still pigeons
see the still clouds grow greyer
and grow greyer
###
This poem was written in response to Carpe Diem’s Haiku Writing Techniques #3, Repetition, another great prompt hosted by Chèvrefeuille at Carpe Diem Haiku Kai. All of the poems in the link-up can be read here. And, to finish, here’s something weird and psychedelic from the Pretty Things –
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making white lightening third still? an interesting exercise .. cool how you worked in so many repetitions and still kept the poem readable. bravo!
Thanks, Georgia! Although it didn’t exactly have a real “haiku” feel about, I don’t think – so I changed it 🙂
But I’m glad you enjoyed the “experimental” version 😉
Know what you mean … sometimes the experimental versions, we feel, need a little silver polishing!
Oh definitely! But then I just like to think of all of the polishing away of embarrassing smears as a major part of the learning process 😉
A process i should be dedicating more time to instead of adding more stuff to re-read.
Pigeons! Paloma’s cousins! Already the haiku gets a thumbs-up! 😉
The repetition WORKS so well, though. An ominous feel to “grow greyer / and grow greyer” — and strangely, repeating “still” works here too. As if the pigeons will disappear into that greyness….
Nicely done 🙂
Thanks, Jen! It took a while to get here..
Did you find this tricky? After you’ve repeated words you’ve lost another 4 or 5 syllables, so to make something meaningful gets even trickier – and I had all the trickiness I could handle before 😛
So, I’m glad you liked it and the pigeon 🙂
Oh yes …. I had a heck of a time with it! It’s as if the repetition itself becomes the focus — which can be so tricky. But you handled it quite well 🙂