Goodbye kisses
Glow on lips, still
Like your body glowed
###
This poem was written for Carpe Diem Special # 113, Shiba Sonome’s 4th “longing for someone”, another great prompt hosted by Chèvrefeuille at Carpe Diem Haiku Kai. All of the poems in the link-up can be read here.
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Mmmm.. very romantic
Yes, nice and romantic – just in time for Valentine’s Day! Oh no, it’s Halloween… I always get those two confused for some reason.
I just read your songlines haibun and really enjoyed it – “the melodic contour of the song describes the nature of the land over which the song passes,” Such a wonderful concept. I read Songlines by Bruce Chatwin years ago, but really can’t remember it now, so it was good to be reminded of these ideas.
Btw I tried commenting on the post itself but I’ve never come across that type of blog before and it defeated me, I’m afraid.
ah…. very nice! 🙂
Just sensual enough ….
Well, this isn’t the dungeon, so there are boundaries… Of course, when I start a blog called “Blake’s Cornucopia of Bourbon and Smut” then the sensuality reaches epidemic levels 😛
Ooooh….. do drop me a line when you’re announcing the Grand Opening there, okay?
BTW, I attempted to write from Bluebottle Bob’s point of view and it *stank*! But if you feel up to it, grab some bourbon and drop by — would love your advice. o.O
Well, I did fancy some whisky so I headed down the steps…
I see what you mean about the tone of voice – it’s a tricky line to walk between gore and broad humour, hey. I thought the opening works well – it immediately drags you into Bob’s reality:
“Finger or toe … finger or toe …?
Finger. Tall bottle this time.
I yank the man’s hand from the swamp and cut.”
But then the next line says “The crunch of bone is sickening.” You would find it sickening and so would I, but would Bob? It almost seems as though the first person POV slips there into third person.
Then, Bob returns to the fore and his attitude is a little different from the opening, maybe: gruesomely playful and jokey. He seems motivated by the need to provoke Agent Cooper, which is fine and the finger stuff is darkly funny – though presumably his deeds would need other motivations…
Hmmm….. I wanted to make him a killer, but also a bit of a sissy too. He’s killing for a reason, but not so happy about the “mechanics” of killing. At first I had him saying — “oh good, no blood, I hate blood”. Perhaps that would have been a better choice? And perhaps parts 1 and 3 would be better joined that way? o.O
I appreciate the feedback — this helps. Off to make some revisions!
Oh I see. Well, then, I do think “oh good, no blood, I hate blood” makes that clearer, while also making Bob’s voice more evident than the other line,
Must be tough, being a serial killing sissy! 😛
Yeah …. not sure of the psychology of the serial killer sissy … but … hey … I’m sure there are a few of ’em out there.
Revisions are up now — plus I made it 3rd person instead of first person.
A strong haiku in which I sense the longing very strong … “goodbye kisses” great line.
Yes, this prompt was quite well-timed as far as I’m concerned..
the sadness of the last kiss .. strong haiku.
Such sweet sorrow 😉
Alas .. yes. 🙂
Beautiful!
Oh thanks, I’m glad you thought so.