Death Is For Amateurs

Nicotine’s tarry welcome slipped down my throat and made the world a better place.  Briefly.  I needed it.  I breathed fast and tried to calm my nerves.  This case spiralled out of control so long ago that I forgot what having control even looked like.  I only knew that dead bodies had started stacking up all around me, uncomfortably close.  I never was a people person.  I always needed my own space.  And this was doubly true when all the people crowding round me were violently dead.

“Death is for amateurs,” I muttered between deep, hurried drags on the smooth Virginia tobacco.  Then I got back to ransacking the place, as quietly as I could.

I fumbled through the dark with just a feeble torch to guide me, its light shaking.  There was still that trembling in my hands and my breathing still came in quick, shallow gasps.  But breaking and entering always did disagree with me.  All the sneaking around got tired real quick.  It was too apologetic for my taste.  I preferred a more direct confrontation, given the choice, even if it had got me a few more dents in the back of my head than I’d have liked over the years.  That big stubborn ol’ head of mine could take its share of abuse and still pick itself up to lean on the nearest bar before closing time, nine times out of ten.  But, like I say, this case had changed the rules some – bullet-ridden bodies were a different proposition to dent-ridden heads.  So, some sneaking was in order.

The doctor’s office was airless and clammy from being locked up so tight.  The bars across the windows and the bolts across the door made a little zoo for all his patient’s wild secrets – all the dirty secrets, all the dangerous secrets, and the secrets that had a bit of both.

A doctor like this one costs a fortune, not because of his skill with a scalpel or for the pretty bows he can tie in a bandage.  No, the real skill he learned at medical school was how to keep his educated mouth shut.  The right kind of people (or the wrong kind of people) paid a lot for that kind of bedside manner.

I felt my skin crawl.  Ah well.  Once I cracked this case I’d quit this racket for good, quicker than bribes lose themselves in a senator’s pocket.  Ah-huh the reward would be vast if I pulled it off – I’d buy an expensive big ol’ beach house and an expensive little blonde to go with it.  Well, a house like that needs the proper accessories, am I right?

In my line of work I knew a fresh start is the wisest investment you can make.  So, I prised open the filing cabinet I needed, held the torch steady, as I rummaged.  I didn’t get far.  There, in pride of place, I saw my own medical file staring back at me.  I didn’t know how they got hold of it, or why.  Maybe they thought they’d try blackmailing me with some seedy secrets of my own?  I only wish I had any secrets worth the trouble.

Out of curiosity, I flicked open the file and found myself scanning the page of the last medical exam I shivered my way through, barely a fortnight ago – “Emphysema,” it read; “advanced, inoperable.”  They didn’t need to blackmail me at all.  I was finished.


This short story was written in response to the latest TipsyLit writing prompt: For this week’s prompt, your character must face a new beginning that is both the result of loss and new possibility.  Hmm it turns out that when I wrote the story I only half-remembered what the prompt had said.  Ah well, sod it.  All of the stories written for the prompt can be read by clicking on the image below.  

prompted-button (1)

18 thoughts on “Death Is For Amateurs

  1. Pingback: Polling Prompted: Endings and Beginnings | TIPSY LIT

  2. Ah — inspired by The Big Sleep! This does have a delightful film noir feel to it — really loved it! But from experience I can tell you that reading your own medical file is a scary proposition. [Shudder!] Well done!

    • Yes, I really can’t imagine how awful that must’ve been for you. Fortunately, medical files can be updated in a positive fashion, hey. And five years later they can make for far happier reading 🙂
      And another shudder! Man, I’m going to have to write a Warm Fluffy Story for one of the upcoming prompts so that it becomes a shudder-free zone. Though warm and fluffy isn’t exactly my forte 😛

      • Warm and fluffy? Say it ain’t so!
        I love roller coasters and Alfred Hitchcock – so I find screaming and shuddering refreshing on occasion. 🙂

        But yes — the medical files are far happier after five years — and ten years ago it looked like I’d very definitely die. Much easier reading now that I’ve hit that five year mark, that’s for sure.

      • Ok, Hitchcockian roller-coasters it is!
        Yes, medical files can be re-written, I’m glad to say. My mum had cancer decades ago, but she’s a tough ol’ girl and she can still be found rampaging around the sleepy towns of Ireland, causing havoc, mad as ever (hello, mum!)
        And five years is a huge landmark to have passed. Here’s to the next five, Jen 🙂

      • Thanks ! 🙂

        And huzzah to your Mum, too — you *have* to be a tough ol’ gal to survive — ’cause cancer ain’t for sissies! Madness isn’t a bad thing either —

        ““the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” — Jack Kerouac

        Looking forward to more Hitchcockian Roller Coasters 🙂

  3. Glad you enjoyed it. Yes, I had to make doubly sure of the spelling of the word, too 🙂 It only occurred to me to use it because I’d been reading a biography of Louise Brooks, who suffered with it in old age.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s